OUT OF TOUCH OUT OF TIME!

He told me I had done alright

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 01:45:52 GMT

Would you be here to save me?
Would you be here to helo me through this?
Would you stay or would you go?
What will you say to me if this is true?

I am soo scared that you will run away if this becomes true...
I am so scared that my life will end because of this...nothing will be the same for me...but you, you can just run away from it all, you can continue on the path that you are on.
What will happen to me?
What will they all say?

Please make this go away...
I love you but this might make you end up hating me.
Please make this go away...

I can't do it..

Cold heart

Wed, 02 Aug 2006 13:59:50 GMT

Why is it that I am always made out to be the bad guy?
Why is it that I am the one with all the sorry's when I have done nothing wrong?
Why do you make me feel as though I am below you, that I really have done something wrong? That everytime you are rude to me or anything it is my fault and I deserve it?
I love you so much and I would do anything for you, I have always let things slide, I have talked instead of yelled, and if I ever did yell I would say sorry and hold you in my arms telling you its okay when really I am the one hurting. I am the one crying.
I am tired of being everything, for having to be perfect everyday, I am exhausted now it is your turn. I have been waiting for you in the middle, half way and you never showed because you knew I would come the whole way adventually.
I am stronger than this, I am better than this.
All you have done is watch me cry.

I am losing control

Sun, 09 Jul 2006 21:43:14 GMT

Everytime you tell me that you are leaving, everytime you bring it up it kills me inside. Lately you have been doing a lot of that, and I can feel myself slowly falling out of love. Is that what you want for me to fall out of love with you because that is what is happening. You bring up the fact that we will probably just be friends, its like your rubbing it in my face. Why? why do you insist on torturing me. You are the first guy I have ever really really loved and stayed in love with, why do you want that all to change. You are confusing me. Yes I understand that we may end up breaking up when you leave but can we just have the summer together, can we just pretend that we are going to share the rest of our lives together. I need to not think about you leaving me and me having to say goodbye to you, cuz i just can't deal with it. but you keep bringing it up like you can't wait for it to happen so what the hell is the point of staying together is we are just going to come out of this as friends?

The boy I love

Sat, 18 Mar 2006 15:43:44 GMT

He lies there in my bed. And i wish that i was there in his arms. I want to be with him in every single way but he doesn't want to do anything sexual at the moment becaue he is too tired. I love him, but he doesn't seem to want me sexually even when he isn't tired. There is always another reason. Don't get my wrong I am not some sex finatic but I would like to participate in the sexual act from time to time. Is there something wrong with me? I ask him the same question and he says not in the least; that I am perfect. He seems to want me, he says how beautiful I am and runs his hands along my body seeming aroused by it. But I want him to go further sometimes and he doesn't. Are you scared? He says that he wants to do things, well fucking show it. I don't care if hes not ready but he hasn't told me that, he says that he is and he wants it. Well we have had sex one drunkin night, and we didn't finish because i was going to pass out. I don't know what to think anymore, I should probably not care but I can't help it and its killing me.

I'll be the one to hold you

Tue, 17 Jan 2006 02:21:01 GMT

There I was sitting on his lap, looking into his eyes him into mine.
he would kiss me softly, causing my heart to race, beating hard against my ribs.
I asked him what he was thinking about
He said me, everything about me, how much he wanted me.
I told him that I was his, he has me.
He kissed me again so softly.
I felt as though i was going to float away
He said something in Surbian to me.
He said he loved me.
In that moment I fell in love with him,
and I knew that this time it really is different
The words just seemed to fall so easily from my mouth
"I love you too"
It always felt forced before
but with him everything felt right
felt perfect.
Everything was perfect.

Looking pretty for you

Sun, 08 Jan 2006 05:57:01 GMT

So here I am, falling in love.
I feel as though everything that has happened to me relationship wise up to this point has been complete bullshit.
I sit here thinking that I would do just about anything for a kiis from Mitch.
I would do whatever it takes for him to fall in love with me.
I don't think I could have said the same thing in my past relationships.
And yet I said I loved them.
I just want to be around him always, I would do anything for his arms to be around me.
I want to be perfect for him, in every single way.
I want to love him, I want to fall in love with him, truely and deeply.
And for him to fall in love with me.
I don't think I was ever ready before for love, for when those words were siad that was the turning point in every relationship.
It frightened me and it was never what I expected.
But this time I feel that I am finally really ready.
And I want it to be with Mitch, I want him and only him.
No one else has done the things to me like he has done, he sends shivers through my body with every kiss.
When he looks at me I can feel my heart throb between my ribs, this feeling inside me whenever I think about him, I just want to see him every second of the day.
I wish I could tell him all of this, but it is too soon, i know that, i'm just so impatient,
if this gets better then i don't know what i'll do, I won't be able to handle it. I barely can now, I feel so overwhelmed with joy that i want to cry.

Everything works out in the end

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 03:23:10 GMT

He told me that there were others just like me, so I ended it, I shut the door on him that very moment, because i knew that he would never love me or want me in the ways that i wanted him to. I was surprised at how easy it was for me to not miss him anymore, to close the door. I guess i just know that someone deserves my love and i do theres and it wasn't him. It hurt, but its over.

I'm glad i did shut the door because another one opened just like the saying says, Mitch asked me out last thursday, which was a good surprise i have had on again off again feelings for him for a very long time, i just never thought that he would ever ask me out, but he did and i couldn't be happier. This just makes me believe even more in that everything happens for a reason, and no matter what things will get better...sometimes it takes a long time other times it doesn't. but i have always kept my hope, no matter how nieve people think i am. i would rather be a happy ignorant person than a misserable aware person.

Why did you have to come here?

Sat, 05 Nov 2005 21:44:41 GMT

Hes here
right now in the room right next to me.
I thought I could do it
I thought I could see him
and not feel all those feelings again.
but as soon as he said "Jen hey!" as soon as I looked at him I wanted to melt.
I can't stand it.
I can't bare knowing hes going to be here all ngiht hanging out with my brother.
I knew that he was coming
so I made sure I looked good
what is wrong with me
If he asked me to sit, stand, or jump I would do it without hesitation.
I hate myself for it.

I still so much i love with him, and i thought that without seeing him for a month that it would kinda go away...nope not inn the least.
and the thing that bugs me the most is...
that i am hoping he'll ask me to sit, stand, or jump for him.
just so i can't be something to him
other than his friends little sister that he made out with and broke her heart.

If only i had the guts

Tue, 25 Oct 2005 03:12:23 GMT

You broke my heart before i could even give it to you.
I suppose it was my fault i hoped for something that could never happen.
But you just sat there and let me fall.
I am so lost, i don't know what to do with myself, so many thoughts are running through my head.
I am honestly falling apart, and i can't afford to right now because of all the work i have to do for school, and everything. For the first time in my life i feel like the weakest person alive. I am supposed to be the strong one, the one that helps others when they feel just like me, i am so scared.
I am trying so hard to stay composed, but its just keeps getting harder.

Why couldn't you want me?
Why did you have to leave?
Why do i stay to wait for you to get home so you can see me, knowing full well you'll just leave again?
Why did i have to fall in love with you?

Tou asked me if i was okay with the way things are, if i could handle it...and i said yes everything is fine...why can i not tell you no, things aren't fine, that i can't keep doing this because adventually he will take away everything i have. Why can i not just let you go?

BaH

Sat, 22 Oct 2005 19:17:09 GMT

I sit here
Waiting for you
To love me
Like I do you

You left me here
To your new life
I fell into you
And now your gracefully falling away

Help me move on
Teach me to be strong
Show me the difference between right and wrong
I can’t keep crying when your gone

I miss you
Do you miss me?
One day
You will

A year from now
The next time you see me
You’ll wish
That when I was waiting for you
You came back to me.

Wkae me up when september ends

Thu, 08 Sep 2005 23:55:52 GMT

I'm losing my hair because i am so stressed and i don't even know what about.
I feel very sad lately although I love school right now and am very excited for it.
I guess its the fact that i see james everyday in english...its still really hard but i know it all was for the best. i wish i could say i want to be friends with him but i don't...not right now, and i don't know how lond it'll take until i feel i'm ready to be friends with him.
I suppose i feel kinda alone...i know i have poeple there for me but i don't know how i want them there for me...that doesn't make sence, i just don't know how to let them know i need someone to understand even when theres nothing to understand. i'm scared of growing up, and having to become responsible, i'm scared of leaving home.

My dog is really sick, he went for surgury yesterday he has cancer and its fast growing...i don't kow what i would do without him he listens to my problems and is the only on that doesn't critisis or feel i shouldn't be feeling that way...he just lets me vent and licks my hand to show he understands.

I dare you

Sat, 20 Aug 2005 02:51:17 GMT

I am so confused right now its not even funny. Everything that we had is gone so what is it that we have now? We don't even seem to have our friendship anymore.
Is it possible for us to move on and fix this?
You said that we should start over and forget all the shit we have put ourselves through...I think your right but I don't know if i can forget how you hurt me and all our awkward silences.
You say you want to make this work and I would give anything to have it be like it was before.
But i am giving up hope...deep down i just don't know if we are strong enough for this.
Stop being nieve and see that maybe I'm right no matter how much you want it to it just not might be right.
You said that you might not be ready for this but you want to try...and that its all on me to decide weather we are going to keep trying or not...how could you put all that pressure on me...i mean if your not ready how am i going to make you ready...and in all honesty i don't think i can wait for you to be ready...i'm too damaged. I'm ready so therefor we aren't on the same page...so how is that fixable? its not it takes time and i'm too tired of crying over you when you don't know how to act. Don't you see that we just might not be meant to be...maybe everything that i thought we could have had...my fairy tale will not come true. I've spent the last 5 hours crying trying to understand...to figure out a way that i, that we could work this out...but i have nothing...i just don't know what i'm going to do because i'm soo in love with you. but maybe love isn't enough...

My world is falling apart because i love you

Give me back my point of view

Fri, 12 Aug 2005 15:59:25 GMT

What is happening to us?
we are drifting apart and it feels to late to save us
tell me its not.
I feel like a fool for thinking that this time would be any different than the others.
it never works out the way i thought it would
i thought i had won but i'm losing so very fast.
i'm losing you i can feel it your slipping away...or maybe i'm slipping away who knows
no matter what i do what i say how mad i get or how many tears i cry.
how much i wish for it to be right i can't make it right.
i'm not ready to let you go...

set me free

Wed, 03 Aug 2005 05:23:38 GMT

I feel trapped.
Trapped in my own body, dying to break free.
so many things are changing and so many things are about to change.
We will drift apart i can feel it
so why is it that i start pushing away now?
I'm frustrated with wondering too much about the future
i'm taking it out on the wrong people.

I found out a few days ago that my mom has cancer...shes had it for a few years now and never told me. she said its just sitting there and its fine. but what if shes lieing about that too. i'm so scared...i think about how wonderful she is to her children...i want to be perfect for her now more than ever. i don't know what i'd do without her..

Sooner or later

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 03:19:44 GMT

I feel the need to just write whatever comes to my head, because i have so much in it, that it feels like its going to explode. i am so worried about my future...i keep having these dreams that i'm not going to be a goos enough writer...and then what my dreams are shattered, and i'll have nothing...i have no back up anymore i've put everything into this one thing and i'm soo scared now. i cna't stop thinking about it, failing...i always get to scared and then back away because why start somehting if your just going to fail anyways? i wish i had faith in myself, i wish i didn't need reasurance in everything...in relationships too...i always feel like i need reasureance..before i can think they like me as much as i do them...and even still i won't believe it...i try to pretend i'm strong but in truth i'm weak...

Beat me up

Mon, 30 May 2005 21:54:57 GMT

Throw me around
push me, kick me, beat me up
Treat me like dirt
use me, hate me, hurt me
Laugh while i cry
kick while i'm down

Never help me up
Because i don't deserve
the good things
Rip out my heart
drop it in the ground
so it shatters into a million pieces

I dunno why i've been so blessed

Wed, 18 May 2005 23:53:03 GMT

Lately i haven't felt the greatest, i almost feel like shit. I'm so stressed out right now with school and i seem to be worried about other things, and i'm making myself sick.

I feel fat and horribly ugly, and i'm not saying that to get attention, i'm not asking people to say that i'm not, so please don't. I don't think i am i just feel like it. which may sound confusing but i get it, and thats all that matters. I don't feel like myself, normally i try to be optimistc and what not but i almost don't care. I just want to jump out of my skin. i want to scream and yell, until i lose my voice. I want to cry until no more tears will fall. but i don't, an di hate that, i just pretend everything is fine and maybe i'll start to believe it to. to tell you the truth nothing is really wrong, i am happy, but i'm just tried and frustrated with some things. I feel so emotional right now, and want it to be normal to show everything that you feel at that particular moment in time. but people will wonder what the heck is wrong with you. when you just letting out your feelings. I think i'm feeling this way because i have been keeping a lot of things inside, and haven't let it out in awhile, normally writing helps, but i can't seem to write at the moment, everything i do write sounds like crap and its not really what i indended it to sound like. I just need to relax i suppose, thats why i can't wait for the summer to get here. so i don't have to worry about anything for 2 whole months. god that'll be so nice.

I don't care who you are

Mon, 02 May 2005 02:43:22 GMT

Well this weekend was one of the best in a long time.

I like you a lot,
you kissed me
giving me hope
but i'm soo afriad that
tomorrow your just going to
walk away.

God i thought i had learned to control all these wacky feelings.
but i suppose that was only because i didn't have any of these feelings for them.
I can't stop thinking about that night, playing it over and over.

You give me butterflies again
I have someone to look good for
I have you to impress
although that sounds like a pain i'm so happy i have that again.
Your the one i wanna chase!

Everytime I see your face

Wed, 20 Apr 2005 02:31:24 GMT

All I need is one more day, one more day with you

I feel so stressed, i almost broke down the other day, i really just want to have one day of peace all to myself.

Always here when you call
giving you money when your short
never expecting it back
knowing you'll never offer
to hear my problems
but you know i'll hear yours

I live in your shadow
watching you in the spotlight
behind the scenes
of your glamerous show

i'm am the pupetier
holding your strings
so the world can see you
but never see me
always telling you you'll do fine
always hoping you'll fall

I live in your shadow
watching you live it all
behind the scenes
of your glamerous show

I'll cater to you

Sat, 16 Apr 2005 15:50:19 GMT

Baby I see you working hard I wanna let you know I'm proud to let you know that I admire what you do.
The more if I need to reassure you my life will be purposeless without you(yeah)
If I want it (got it)
When I ask you (you provide it)
You inspired me to be better, Challenge me for the better so back and let me pour out my love letter.
Let me help you take off your shoes, untie your shoe strings take off your cuffliks.
What you wanna eat boo let me feed you, let me run your bath water whatever your desire I'll aspire you.
Sing you a song turn the game on I'll brush your hair Help you put your do rag on.
Want a foot rub(yeah) you want a manicure
Baby I'm yours I wanna cater to my boy!

Let me cater to you cause baby this is your day do anything for my man baby you blow me away.
I got your slippers, your dinner your desert and so much more.
Anything you want let me cater to you inspired me from the heart can't nothing tear us apart you all I want in a man I put my life in your hands got your slippers your dinner your desert and so much more.
Anything you want I wanna cater to you.

Baby I'm happy at home let me hold you in my arms I just wanna take the stress away from you making sure that I'm doing my part(oh)
boy is there something in it to do(oh)
If you want it(I got it)
Say the word (I'll try it)
And whatever I'm not fulfilling(oh)
No other women is willing(oh)
I'm going to fulfill you mind body and spirit
I promise you(promise you)
I keep my slef up(oh)
Remain the same chick(Yeah)
you fell in love with(Yeah)
I keep it tight and I keep my figure right
I keep my hair fixed be rocking the hottest outfits
When you come home late tap me on my shoulder I'll roll over
Baby I heard you I'm here to serve you(I'm loving it, I'm loving it)
This love you need to give it is my joy
All I wanna do is cater to my Boy!

I wanna give you my breath my strenght my will to be there thats the least I can do let me cater to you.
Through the good (good)
The bad(through the bad)
The ups(ups)
And the downs(and downs)
I'll still be here for you let me cater to you cause your beautiful
I love the way you are (you are)
fulfill your every desire (desire)
Your Wish is my commad(command)
I wannna cater to my man
your heart so pure your love shines through(shines through)
The darkness we'll get through(now so much)
So much of me and you.
I wanna cater to my man

Room without a view

Thu, 31 Mar 2005 23:16:09 GMT

I feel like in the past few months i have matured so very much, and i don't know what made it happen but i feel wiser. Looking back on grade 9 and 10 its weird, i have a completely different out look on life now and i feel good. I think that i've finally started seeing instead of looking and listening not just hearing. I take the world at a whole new prespective.

I remember when i was really depressed, I remember all the pain i put myself through which wasn't necessary. It took me this long, maybe a year and a half to get better again. Although i believe that i am now much more stronger and have a good understanding of things more because of going through it, its weird to look back on those days when i thought that i was never going to be saved, i thought that there was nothing here for me. But now i see that i have soo much to live for, and i can save myself now. I'm am so grateful to be alive!

Friends are everything to me, I have recently been thinking about how much my friends all mean to me and how much they have all played a part in my life. Last week a very old friend from when i was between 3 and 5 came over to visit because him and his family are moving to vancouver. I hadn't seen them in about 11 years and it was so enlightening to remember all the times when we we young, and that he even made me who i am today, he played a part and will always be a friend. Friends they will come and go but they will always remain in your heart and have impacted you life in even the smallest of ways. I'm saying all this because soon this year will be over and i have one year left, most of my friends i may never talk to again and i just them to know that i will always remember them because they have made a difference no matter how little.

Riskin it all in a glance

Wed, 09 Mar 2005 00:52:59 GMT

I feel lost in this loniness of mine. I don't know what it is everything just feels pointless now.
I find myself flirting more than ever and hoping that they will all like me even if i don't like them, i feel like i would give myself for the feeling of someone wanting you even if it was just for a few minutes.
I dunno...i don't know how to be happy for everyone else that has someone, because i feel so very lost in all this.
I know that we weren't right because it took everything i have from me and i think thats why i feel so lonely because i'm soo emotionally drained from us, i want to sleep for a month and then i think i would feel better.
anyways i think i'm going to be fine its just hard to see him though i don't even know why...hes still always there with my friends which is fine i guess, its just weird i feel like i have nothing of my own anymore, its all been taken away. and i miss myself.

Lost in this endless state

Fri, 25 Feb 2005 03:13:42 GMT

I feel the need to do something...i can't just sit back and watch as you slip away from me.
maybe this is all my fault, and i'm sorry.
all i know is that i love you so very much, but it feels like thats not enough.
I wish i could explain everything that i'm feeling right now...but its all too much.
You did everything right, you were more than i could have asked for.
we were what seemed to be a match made in heaven, where'd it all go.

Maybe its all me but it started to feel...different in some way. uncomfortable between us...and i thought space would help but it feels like we are just getting further and further apart.
i ruined us. i got scared again, you loved me soo much, it was..is overwhelming.
i want it to be like it was in the beginning...it feels like we're strangers and it only happened in maybe a week. its slipping away so fast, i'm afraid to blink because when i open my eyes you might be gone.
i'm sorry, i pushed you away and am scared i can'y reach you now.

i don't know if it's possible to go back to how it was
theres something inside telling me that its not going to work and its killing me. i feel like even if i tried everything possible to make it work it just wouldn't be enough and i'm soo scared that i'm going to lose you.
you have my heart forever, i won't be getting it back

Black and blue

Thu, 27 Jan 2005 16:22:53 GMT

Please don't laugh at me

don't make me cry

i'm just as vunerable as you

deep down inside.

From the very beginning

you have pushed me away

beating my up

so on the ground i lay.

You have tortured my heart

until it has fallen apart

you have ruined my life

you thinking your so smart.

Acting all innocent

as though you've done no harm

but you've nearly killed me

You being Me.

fucked up

Tue, 25 Jan 2005 04:03:14 GMT

well i'm pretty much screwed for life...i don't think i'll ever be good at anything.
i thought maybe journalism but i dunno anymore...i should have already started writing stuff for school in order to get noticed and be good apparently...and i suppose i'll never be good at anything else.
i'm so scared i'm never going to amount to anything and everyone will be soo disappointed and leave me all alone. and it feels like that fear is keeping from following my dreams, because why try when your just going to fail anyways?

i dunno i'm being stupid, if it were someone saying this to me i'd tell them that it doesn't matter what others think, if you want it bad enough you can make it happen, for them to have faith in themselves and that although your scared you have to take the risks to accomplish your goals...but i feel like i only have myself telling me these things and it gets hard to believe after a while.

i'm crying inside and it goes unnoticed to the rest of the world, i hide it so well, so they don't see my pain. holding it in, to be strong for them, so they can feel happy, and know i'll always be at there sides. sometimes i want to call out, for my own someone to tell me its ok, but i know that my cries will always be silent, wanting to be viewed as a strong individual and not one as weak, maybe they'll all like me more, no one may see my tears, no one shall know my secrets.